THE LIFE AND TIMES OF BADMAN

How the bloody hell are you?

Above is not the winning entry but one that I did and didn’t enter. I didn’t realize that you are not supposed to put entries on other site cos of some copy right related stuff, so if you want to see the award winning pictures you will have to go here. Or click on the Worth1000 link in the link bit above (that i have changed to take you to my stats page)(a bit of self promotion never hurt any one) I got a nice silver trophy on my virtual mantel piece. Also I have been awarded some gold stars that are awarded by the panel independently of the voting. Nice! The link above will take you to my stats page, where you can view all my entries and the contest that they where in. Click on the name of the entry for the pic and the name of the contest for the rest of the entries. Please feel free to leave some comments on there.

On a different note, what the **** is going on with the weather? I know that it is a English trait to talk about the weather, but come on its shit at the mo. Rain, rain and some more rain with a bit of sun thrown in to just wind you up and remind you what its supposed to be like this time of year!! I thought global warming was going to give us the type of climate that the South of France has, well they can bloody keep it. On the plus side if the hose pipe ban is brought in then its not going to effect any one, as the lawn and flowers will be well watered by the sudden and rain forest like down pours!!

Hello, how’s it going good I hope?

Today I am running a contest. It is a caption contest.

The rules are thus.

1. You must come up with a chat up line that Damo is using on the young sweet heart as she walks through the park.
2. You can use the fact that they are toys or not, it’s up to you.
3. All entries can be submitted using the comment link under this post. (Click on comments then scroll down and click on post comment.)
4. The contest runs until the end of the month when the winner will be announced.
5. There is no prize except the fact that I thought yours was the best and if I see you in the pub I will get you a drink (that is under £3!)
6. The winner will be judged on the humour and not pure smut (but some smut is ok)!
7. You can have as many goes as you like up until the dead line at midnight.

Here are some of the entries for the worth1000 comps that I have entered. The manga (Angelina Jolie) only came 121/122. Now I think that was harsh as there where at least 3 worse than mine. I suppose you have to play against the best to get better. The Heidi klum picture is for a fountain of age comp. Still time to vote on that one, and the cyborg (Keira Knightley). I may have stabbed my self in the foot on the manga comp, cos I got Carl and Damo to vote for me. I have since found out that it goes against you if you get really high scores of a couple of people that are a lot higher than the average of the other votes on your work. It’s called” karma “ have a look. So if you do vote then please give it a mark that it deserves in relation to the other efforts. Oh and try to vote on as many as you can, if you have time. cheers

I will be entering a picture in one of the Worth1000 (link top left)(make that top right) contests soon. So if it gets entered and I haven’t broken any of the rules, you can vote Badman and see if I can win some more credits. You get 10 when you sign up and can win 100 if you win. If it gets on there I will let you know, and post the link to the contest. You may have to sign up to vote but that’s easy and I’m sure I can count on you vote (even if you like one of the other entries more). Vote, vote, vote I will be out canvassing soon and kisses old ladies.

Today I went to work. But I’m home now. So on with the show. The pics above are all grouped because I thought they went together, they all have something odd about them. And that’s it really, not much of a show. So I have put some links on here for you today, cos I’m like that, nice. isthisyou
thesmokinggun

This is a genuine picture of an alien, no, no, I hear you doubters, it is. This is the proof that there is life on other planets. Carl asked the question on his blog, so I hope this puts his mind to rest that we are not the only thing in this galaxy! There is as I think Bowie said "“life on Mars"”. Then again he was known for large drink and drug consumption, so you can take what he said with a pinch of salt. Anyway, if you go to town on a week day it is right in front of your eyes, prove that aliens are among us. Mostly dressed in pink towline track suits and pushing prams with there alien babies. Well that’s how it looks to me and that’s what counts, in it!!

A snail on tank tracks, a squirrel with an elephant’s head and a bird with lizard’s bits. You may well ask what the fick is going on. I would answer “I don’t know!”

If like me you are at the age when Tom Baker was Dr Who and not the voice of Little Britain. Then you may enjoy the pic of him and K9 relaxing between takes on the set. It looks like Tom has the game in the bag (what with him having hands and K9 only having none).

Also I have managed to get this screen shot of Steven Hawkings staring in the new series. This has been kept very quiet, so this is an exclusive! The Beeb are also releasing a 1/5 scale model of Davroshawk (the part that he is playing) a pic of which is also above. He loved the modified wheel chair so much that the Beeb let him keep it. In fact he now regularly turns up at his lectures in said chair and gives his talks on the Tears in the space time continuum caused by Uranus (yes there is a bum joke in there, sorry). Audiences don’t seem to mind the chair but wish he would reframe from saying “exterminate, exterminate” at the end of every sentence! But I say let him have his fun for fook sake; look at him he probably don’t get much!

How fragile is this life we lead. One random ninja killing and your whole world quickly turns to poo! This young chap seen here prostituting his wares (by wares I mean him, on display like so much prime meat in a butcher’s window). Carl (the destitute young man above) had a good job trying to stop Fawley Power station blowing up. Now though he is selling parts of himself that no man should have to.

After the family slaying, Carl lost the will to work, lost his job, his self respect and ended up on the streets of America. How he got to the U.S.A. is a story for another day (when I can think of it). But now he’s out for revenge! “I’ve had five lessons and I’m slowly turning into a one man killing machine, when I find those ninjas they better watch out, I’m gonna rip them a new *******” said Carl. Brave words indeed……!

I would like to dedicate this pic to Taffro, he’s not dead or anything. Well I don’t think so; he probably should be the amount he likes to drink! It’s the word that he introduced to me, it was used in a story he told (one that I can not really repeat here as there maybe young ears listening) about his mate. I will leave it there……!

Good day to you.

Caught this little bugger doing the off with my chocolate egg. Luckily for me and not for him I still had my air rifle hanging around. Now before you animal lovers get all upset, let me just say that he is not dead. But stealing he wont be any more. For I didn’t shoot him in the head (Splattering his tiny thieving brains over the lawn) no, I just shoot his paws off (that will learn him).

On a different note I watched King Kong last night, here is the review.

Long, visually stunner and funny in places. Jack Black plays Jack Black, but that’s ok by me. King Kong was the best actor in the film for me, stealing every scene he is in. Now being 25 feet tall you may think that this would be easy, but credit where credits due, the boy can act. He must also have been in peak physical fitness to be able to pull of all those dangerous stunts, as far as I know he preformed them all himself (for extra bananas). You don’t clap eyes on the big brute until about half way through (the film) but the hour and a half leading up to this is still enjoyable. Young kids may find this a bit of a drag, but if they haven’t developed a decent attention span by the age of 12 (the age rating for this film) then they deserves a slap (I do not condone the beating of children, unless the little gits deserve it). Naomi Watts plays the primate loving heroine with a great deal of 1930’s charm and style. She is not your usual leading lady (lovely to look at but could not act her way out of a wet paper bag) she I felt was a great choice for the part and well done to the casting directors for picking her. Some reviews say that the C.G.I. scenes where over long, but if like me you like your computer related stuff, then they can just shut their dirty mouths!

I managed to find a picture of me, Damo and Carl dressed right up for Easter.

They where taken at various times in the development of the great minds and people that we are today! Mine I think I was about 1980, about 8 years old I would guess. As you can see the beard was in full flow even at that tender age, no problems in pubs and I was only 8ish. Carls, as you can see is only black and white, the cameraman probably died at a young age from the chemicals it took to take the picture of this bundle of Easter joy! I’d say he looks like he had crazy legs even then. I have been told that he still demands an egg hunt to this day on Easter Sunday. He never lost the inner crazy child!!! They say that all babies are sweet, well your Honour I present the case for the prosecution. I would like to bring your attention to Exhibit A (Damo’s baby photo) I say no more!!!

The chops (a word for photoshop artworks used by cool kids, a lot cooler than me no doubt) above are made from an idea that I stole from a flickr picture. I say stole borrowed is a better word me thinks! I have seen the idea before and I have a feeling that the guy from flickr borrowed it to. If he didn’t then I offer my apologies, but I’m over it, so hopefully he is to! The source photo is the bit that makes it work or fail, they only take about half an hour to do as well. This makes it look like I am in the middle of a prolific artistic spree, well it would have done if I hadn’t just told you that they are quick to do and that I stole (sorry borrowed) the idea.

The Raconteurs. Broken Boy Soldiers.

I like zeppelin, do you like zeppelin? Jack White does!

He is my third and final entry for the comp. I hope it doesn’t make me seem like a green peace hippie. But you know us 70’s children! I remember sitting in the hippie commune thinking don’t look at me freak and put some god dame shoes on. Freaking moon child my arse! The nearest I really got to a hippie commune was at Glastonbury. I will say in there defence, there was nothing that they wanted for. Except a bath! They had shoes, just chose not to wear them. If that’s there bag!

Patti Smith. Horses.

Indie girl band singers, been listening to this?. Admit it!

What a responsibility! The whole world in your hand, I have smacked my knee on a table, my elbow at work and then I kicked my toes on the sofa all this in two days, don’t give it to me I will most definitely drop it. Junior Parkinson's disease here I come!!! I am the master at knocking something off a shelf and then catching it on the way down, I know not knocking it off would be a better skill, but hey! It’s better than nothing.

They say it will take two weeks to make Gene Pitney a coffin from oak, but only 24 hours from balsa!

Sorry!

Taxi’s are funny things, you are really glad when you get one on the way home from the pub/club and then when you are sitting there watching the meter reaching an astronomical amount you kind of wish you had walked. The driver will be moaning about his crap night, and you are thinking that you would not mind being paid 5 pounds a minute to do the simple job of drive around the long way as slow as you can. I guess they are providing a service to you at an ungodly hour, but come on they know there are road works this way and it will push the fare to the amount of a small third world countries debt!!!

Secret Machines. Ten silver drops.

Good prog rock, but more rock than prog this time

Oh the sun how I just love it. It opens up all sorts of possibilities to you when you get home from the daily grind of work. Sit in the pub and watch the brightly lit day, sit on the common and watch the brightly lit girls play topless volley ball (sorry drifted of there) drive around listening to music on the car tunes player and watch brightly lit girls playing with each other (sorry at it again).

Keep the album reviews coming in, below are a few from various music lovers.

Clap your hands, say yeah. Clap your hands, say yeah.

Velvets do battle with the present and win on points. Arturo x

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

Clap your hands and say no to the hype, dammit. Damo

Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble: Greatest Hits

Spectacular blues guitar mastery from dead guy in cowboy hat. Damo

Reggae Greats Vol 3 by Various

Lovely Stuff. Gman

Keep um coming!

Above is my second entry for the spoofworld comp.

Snow Patrol. Eyes Open

Not out yet, I don’t know what it sounds like.

(if I did it would mean that I acquired it illegally)

Here’s a guy from work who had heard of my skills and wanted to be a big bad creature of the night, so tonight Matthew I am a vampire!!!!

Not me, I mean him..

Feel free to send in ten word reviews of albums and I promise to publish and give you the credit (unless they are really good and I will then claim them as my own) (not really that would be morally wrong).” A” should count but its hard anothe any way, so up to you!!!!!!

Morning Runner. Wilderness Is Paradise Now.

A bit hit and miss, but more hit. Well done chaps!

Well, another month gone. Soon be Xmas. But more importantly MR Carl is running another Photoshop comp over at Spoofworld (it seems that he still has tat to be rid of). Below is the ordinal photo that he has put forward as the source. I think you will agree that it leaves its self open for some fun ideas. I haven’t got any at the mo, but I’m sure they will come a tumbling out of my head so fast that my nimble little fingers won’t be able to keep up. Would you believe it, they could and my first entry is above (Praise my nimble fingers) (I said praise them!) (Now!) (That’s better).

NEW: Record Reviews (in no more than ten words) (A’s don’t count)

Wolfmother.Wolfmother.

All your favourite 70’s rock groups in one band, rocktactic!

Robin Trower. Bridge of Signs.

Good seventies rock, like Hendrix? Get this now, now, now!

Zutons. Tired Of Hangin' Around.

Buy something else and put the first album on instead!

Bell X 1. Flock.

Damien Rice left. They got a shit name, but good album!

David Gilmour. On a Island.

Do not listen to when operating heavy machinery. Causes drowsiness!

Drive By Truckers. A Blessing And A Curse.

A blessing and a curse, drop the curse, Cos it’s good country!

Reviews by me and my ears

I like music, you may like music, more than me I don’t know, but if we have a chat I’m sure we can work it out! When you play a cd/tape/lp, you like me make your opinion. But do we ever think about the artists and the struggle they had to get this audio master piece to your ears. No! so do yours self a favour (said in a cockney accent) and have a listen to this THE TROGS TAPES (said in a hampshire accent)

It’s been raining now for as long as I can remember (about 5mins) where is the sun? Ok it’s a tad warmer and lighter in the evening, but a bit of brightness would be nice! There’s naught that I like better than watching the sun light dance across the sky, Making the day that more vivid and bright. The way that it’s warming touch makes you shiver with life! I will of course be doing all of this from my flat and through the window, you don’t want to go out in it you know? It’s bad for you!!!!!!

The artwork above is made from the various pics that are on the top, I thought it maybe of interest to you to see that I don’t just change small things on a pic and then claim it as my own! But use a few different ones to make a new one. Hope you like it!!! If you don’t then sod you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HA

Just a quick one today as I am going out, yes out! you heard right! Oh yes you did. Well you have heard of magic mushrooms, well these are very magic cos they are made from silver. They used to grow in gold but as a defence against chavs (who kept picking them so that they can melt them down and make some nasty clown or horse type necklace out of them) they now only grow in silver. This type can only be found in Wales, so unless you’re unlucky anuff to be in Wales (sorry Taffro) you will never see them!

Bye for now and I promise to share some more of my undoubted wisdom with you later when I have more time.

Snail Race Tragedy

Tragedy struck today at the Annual Eiffel Tower Giant Snail Race.

Are thoughts are with Rupert’s family and friends.

Well they say two heads are better than one, so I guess three is superior again. But if the three heads are all thick as shit then I guess you are in trouble, three times as much trouble. Take the giraffe above, if each head wants to go a different way would it just stand still and stave to death? Or would the slightly more intelligent one try knocking the other two out with well timed head butts. “Look at that lovely female camelopard over there” (Ancient Romans called giraffes "camelopards," describing them as hybrid animals with camel bodies and leopard spots) (fact) I’m sure she winked at me/you/us, wallop, wallop job done. Apart from the two flaccid heads dragging at its side it can go and do whatever it desires. Maybe paint on some funny faces or shave off the others eye brows for comic effect! Who knows as this is all theory, cos far as I know there is no such creature, only does it exist in my mind and that is no place for the faint of heart!

And I’m not sure if they have eyebrows!

P.S. feel free to post a coment on what you would do if you had three heads.